Cover Story: March 2010
Written By: Redd

In 2005 there was 2,230,000 Marriages are down from 2,279,000 the previous year. Today, 2007 the divorce rate is the lowest it has ever been since the 1970’s. That decline is not because less people are divorcing; it is because there are an increasing number of couples living together without marrying. That increasing number has grown tenfold since 1960 leaving the marriage rate down by 30 percent in the past 25 years.

In those numbers, only half of African-American Women are likely to tie the knot by age 30. These numbers are deplorable in coincidence with other groups.

…half of African-American Women are likely to tie the knot by age 30.

Poor communication, financial problems, infidelity and unmet needs are just a few of the underlying causes of these numbers.  With the state of the economy, it has become a grueling task to concentrate on family and marriage rather than it remaining something enjoyable and relaxing to do.

African Americans are not the only ones suffering from the rising divorce rate. These are not just problems in the black community; these are America’s problems. However, our unwillingness to take on the unorthodox could be jeopardizing our relationships and families as a whole.

There are some families now who are practicing alternate ways of living to accommodate their busy work schedules and less than relaxing nights.

One of those alternatives is called polyamory. Polyamory is the desire, practice, or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamory is often times mistaken or confused with polygamy. Nonetheless, they are very different. Polygamy, which is illegal in the US, can be defined as any form of marriage in which a person [has] more than one spouse. The most common form is polygyny, where a man can have many wives. Less common, but found in some societies such as Tibet, is polyandry, where a woman can have many husbands.

Polyamory is gaining more popularity throughout the American people. Polyamory is not something new but is practiced more often and has been getting the attention of various media outlets.

As an historic tradition dating back thousands of years and still practiced in 80% of our worlds cultures is what we have come to call polyamory. Then, the purpose of polyamory was to maintain large, strong tribal families that can fend for themselves and defend a common enemy.

Today polyamory is known as the desire, practice or acceptance of having more than one loving, intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Polyamory is, as described by most of it’s participants as more than just a relationship status but more as a lifestyle choice.

People who identify as polyamorous typically reject the view that sexual and relational exclusivity are necessary for long-term, happy, functional relationships. Some have even called for the abolition of marriage. Although this is a far cry from becoming a reality in our modern American society, polygamy and polyamory becoming just as popular as conventional marriage are not.

Although it could have its drawbacks there are plenty of reasons that polyamory could aid in saving marriages as well as keeping relationships strong.

Aside from their amazing acting abilities actor Will Smith and his wife, actress Jada Pinkett Smith they are known for their seemingly perfect marriage. They can be seen red carpet to celeb events always smiling and never in tabloids for anything negative surrounding their marriage.

It’s difficult enough to spend years and years with the same person, but add a few kids and a thriving acting career in the mix and try to maintain as good as a relationship as these two.

Smith recently told European Reveal magazine that the reason for their joyful relationship is an open relationship that has been in place from day one of their now 11 year marriage.

”Divorce cannot be an option… I honestly believe there is no woman for me but Jada. No one can handle me the way she does… Once you feel someone locked in on you, it’s no contest.

“In our marriage vows, we didn’t say ‘forsaking all others’. We said ‘you will never hear I did something
afterward’…“

“This is it. I can’t imagine what anyone else would offer.” Will expresses about his marriage. If more people operated as the Smiths do in their relationships and marriages would there be an increase in marriages and a drop in divorce?

In the African American community, there is already an almost extreme difference in the amount of black men versus the amount of black women. Some of those reasons begin death, jail, HIV, and homosexuality. Since the difference of men and women is so vast it wouldn’t be very hard for a man to find more than one woman.

Love and intimacy do not have to be shared solely between two people. In a lifetime, we can have countless partners and carry with us memories and thoughts of those other individuals even after we are married.

Homosexuality and Bi-sexuality are slowly but surely becoming more accepted throughout our society, and although there are many more that disapprove of it, than those who approve of it could it be that alternative lifestyles such as polyamory could be an approved alternate to marriage.

Playing the devil’s advocate, we speak so feverishly about black men not being there for their children that might be spread across different households. If a man were to engage, in a polyamourous lifestyle that placed him in a house with all of his woman or partners then he would be available to all his children.

Another plus would be that when it comes down to it marriage should function as a business. Just like a business, you have to be a good team for a family to work well. Adding someone else to the team who has something to bring to the table will do nothing but aid in the growth and prosperity of the business [marriage].

It is easy to say that it would be hard for one man to take care of such a large family on his own; but with multiple partners come multiple incomes as well as multiple caretakers it would be much easier for everyone. Children will always be taken care of; there would be several incomes to make sure the household is taken care of. These are aspects that most of us look for in relationships; everyone is satisfied – so what is the problem?

Polyamory & polygamy goes against one of many African Americans strongest beliefs, The Bible says marriage represents the love and special bond within a relationship between two people. The opening chapters of the bible introduce the divine purpose and plan for marriage, showing Christians that marriage is indeed important. There are five topics emphasized specifically including monogamy, and a life long union. The others being heterosexuality, a legally acknowledged union, and a uniting consummated in sexual union.  It is considered a sin to have sex outside of marriage. There are certain morals and beliefs that have been engrained in us from slavery. Philosophies and principals in the African American community cannot shake.

Today’s African American woman would most likely flee from this idea as if it were the plague because most are very strong-minded and are lucky to even find one man in a nation where 60% of men are not available due to their sexuality, jail sentences, and a disproportionate population. On the other hand, many men would say that Monogamy is not only unnatural but restrictive and inhibiting as well.

Is it possible for woman in our society who, go to school, own businesses, and raise families on their own to submit to a man and create a sister-like bond with her husbands other wives or partners? Many woman _ at even the thought of “sharing” their man or feel that delving “deeper” with any other man aside from their husband or partner is disrespectful and greedy.

Is this an invention by those who look to rid of the institute of marriage for greed and perversion? Alternatively, might this be a better way to lower divorce rate and increase couples happiness. Nonetheless, the stigma associated with polygamy and polyamory in American society is likely to diminish with more and more people participating in this growing trend. Will our brothers and sister jump on the bandwagon and is it possible that polygamy/polyamory will have a legal future in the U.S?

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By: Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks
Posted September 26, 2008 | 08:50 AM (EST)

One of the greatest benefits of an Obama presidency is hidden in plain sight: the relationship between Michelle and Barack. They provide a great role model of a healthy relationship, at a time when such models are sorely needed.

For example…
Imagine having a president who is not distracted from the nation’s business by the stresses of secrets in the presidential marriage.

Imagine having a president who likes his partner and values her as an equal, a president who touches his wife affectionately in public and actually listens to her when she talks!

Fortunately we don’t have to imagine it, because we already have that potential at the tip of our voting fingers. For Americans, one of the most important aspects of an Obama presidency is being overlooked: the model of a healthy relationship. In the 28 years of our own marriage, we’ve worked with more than 4,000 couples in our office and seminars, so we have a reasonably good idea of what kinds of behavior one sees in a healthy relationship. For example, Michelle and Barack do something we’ve never seen before in a presidential couple: they actually look directly at each other when they’re speaking to each other. They also laugh at each other’s humor, and they allow their sexual attraction for each other to be visible. Contrast that with other presidential marriages, in which the sexual attraction to each other was not visible but their sexual attraction to others became highly visible. Michelle and Barack talk openly about their feelings for each other. They’re real.

Why would their relationship be a benefit to the American public and the world at large? The main reason is that it would be genuinely useful to have a visible, public role model of what a healthy relationship looks like. Over the last fifty years there’s been a parade of not-so-great relationship models in the White House. They range from idol-worship (Nancy’s perpetually-adoring glaze, oops we mean gaze, at Ronnie) to the sternly maternal façade of the first Mrs. Bush. We’ve witnessed White House marriages strained to the breaking point by secrets. The country lost 50 million dollars and a year of the government’s focus because one president actually did have sex with “that woman” but wouldn’t tell us the truth until he was outed by DNA.

How about Camelot? Many of us were fooled into thinking the Kennedys were the very picture of a Perfect Relationship. There was a handsome, rich Prince with knockout hair, coupled with a doll-Princess whose faraway smile and breathy, little-girl voice made her seem heaven-sent. Unfortunately, it was all just a fantasy. In reality, John was a serial philanderer and Jackie was a chain-smoker who swore like a sailor and dropped the little-girl voice the moment she walked off-stage. There’s no way to measure the productivity that was lost because the president’s staff had to earn part of their government salaries ushering women in and out of the White House, all with exquisite timing (and with the look-the-other-way collusion of the media.)

However, you don’t have to go back in that far in history to see a strange or strained White House marriage. Have you ever seen the current occupant of the White House speak, much less listen, to his wife in public? For example, do we ever get to hear from the real Laura Bush, the one who disagrees completely with the far-right views of her husband on such matters as women’s reproductive rights? No, because she’s been muzzled, like most of her predecessors, and sealed off behind the glazed smile of the Perfect Presidential Wife.

It’s high time we got to see an honest, loving, real relationship in the White House. If you’re like us, you probably don’t want to spend the next four years hearing how much the perfectly-coiffed Mrs. McCain has spent on her outfit, which of their nine houses they’re weekending at or which of their thirteen cars they’re wheeling around in. There’s something bigger to worry about, though. If the actuarial tables have any predictive value, a McCain presidency would soon become a Palin presidency, and that is a scenario truly frightening to contemplate.

President Palin would be desperately trying to comprehend and handle business during one of the most trying times in our nation’s history, while taking care of a special needs baby, riding herd on pregnant teenagers, foul-mouthed hockey-jock son-in-laws and other household dramas. On the brighter side, a Palin White House would provide one exciting possibility for our increasingly tabloid-obsessed culture: the perfect capstone for Jerry Springer’s career! He would make an ideal Chief of Staff or Sergeant-At-Arms, charged with keeping the gun-totin’, hockey-stick-wielding clan from wrecking the furniture (and each other) or blowing away a moose for sport on the White House lawn.

Here’s a better idea: Elect Barack Obama. That way, we get the gift of seeing two people having an easeful friendship with each other. We get as a role model two people who communicate with each other as equals and stand beside each other as true partners. If we elect Barack Obama we are electing a new possibility in our relationship lives as a nation: respect, affection and authenticity. Michelle and Barack speak clearly and openly. You know she won’t bullshit you or embarrass you by playing the demure little wife. We’re ready to see that kind of relationship, and we hope you are, too. The question is: are we as a nation ready to end our national addiction to duplicity, phony adoration and Stepford wifedom in the White House? If not, we’re going to get what we deserve.

We have a chance now to make a real difference in the world. If we elect Barack Obama, we can all focus on the critical challenges that must be met now. Speaking personally, we feel a sense of warmth and pride when we think about the support and love the Obamas have for each other. We breathe easier when we see how they live their lives with balance, honesty and clarity. They’re the real deal. In November, let’s give ourselves this new mirror of our own value.

Source: Huffington Post

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